Card Shark Day!

He's a card shark mama. He can pull into town and rob every table blind and they don't know what hit em until he's already on the train. He once left a table with seventeen thousand dollars in his pocket, all won through dishonest means. He's got suits with more pockets than I got pores on my skin. He's been shot at twice, strung up to be hanged once even but his Mexican compadre at the time rode in and saved the day with the swipe of a hatchet. He can bluff his way into heaven and out of hell, I swear to you mama. And he wants to marry me. Me! Oh mama, I know he seems all flash and pin stripes, but once you get to know him you'll see that it's only to throw off the stink of poverty he's carried with him ever since his childhood working on the river. He's just trying to make a better life for himself mama. Isn't that what we're all trying to do? He just happens to make his by dealing from the bottom of the deck and shoving jacks inside the double lining on his jacket. Is that so much different from you or me?

"It's very different from you or me," Mama will say. "You made a better life for yourself by starting your own new media advertising firm specializing in pharma. And I made a better life for myself by being Lynn L Elsenhans, President, Chairman and CEO of Sunoco."

He said you'd react this way mama. He said you'd tell me all about what a different class of man he is than you or me. He said you'd say your full name like I hadn't heard it over and over again on 60 Minutes. But he gave me something that don't care about class Mama. He gave me a gift that don't care about banner ads for drug companies or oil company fortunes. He gave me a child. I'm pregnant mama. I'm pregnant with his baby and it's a boy. A Boy mama! I'm gonna have a card shark's son, and there's nothing you or Daddy can do about it.

"Like hell," Mama will say. "I am Lynn L Elsenhans, President, Chairman and CEO of fucking Sunoco! And you, young lady, are going to get an abortion! Guards!"

Mama's guards will grab you by the arms and drag you to the abortion clinic in the basement of the Sunoco building. As you're dragged away, Mama will mutter under her breath, "Lynn L fuckin Elsenhans. President, Chairman, and goddamn CEO. Mother-in-law to a goddamn card shark? Pish."

Happy Card Shark Day!

Martin's In New York Day!

You've been married for eleven years, have had two wonderful children with a wonderful man. You have a job you love, friends you never thought you'd ever be able to hang onto after the way you treated them back when all the messiness happened, and you can pretty much spend a lot of your time marveling at how perfectly things have turned out for you.

"I made a vow though," you explain to your husband as you load the clip of your handgun. "I told him if he ever set foot in this city again, I'd blow his fucking head off."

Your husband pleads with you to just let it go, that he was just a bad boyfriend.

"There are degrees of bad," explain. "Sometimes, you can be such a bad boyfriend that you deserve nothing less than a messy death. Seriously, he convinced me that holidays like Christmas were for the intellectually weak. He deserves to die."

Your husband will ask you if killing him is worth having your daughters visit you in jail.

"Yeah," say. "Yeah it is. If I don't kill him, our little girls might think it's okay for a guy to be as bad a boyfriend as he was, that you should forgive boyfriends like that when in fact the reality is boyfriends like that surrender the right to house their brains inside their skulls. I mean it, he used to videotape British sitcoms off of PBS, the ones with the wigs and the screaming."

"Videotape?" your husband will confirm.

Nod. Tell him you had a whole library of VHS tapes of that one in the department store.

Your husband will ask you to at least wear a vest.

"No need," say. "He thinks violence is for people who went to public school."

Your husband will say, "I think I'm starting to support you in this."

Kiss him and tell him he's the best man there ever was, then strap up and go shoot your ex-boyfriend in the face.

Happy Martin's In New York Day!

Your Sister's Cellmate Day!

Today you're going to have to give up your fun-loving bachelor's lifestyle when your sister tells you that her cellmate wants you to raise her son while she's in jail.

"But I go on two dates a night with hot babes!" you'll complain. "Now I have to raise a kid? This is such a turn of the tables! Such a turn of the tables!"

Your sister will explain that her cellmate, Gladys, has promised to set your sister on fire if you don't raise her son.

"So I guess you have no choice but to give up the party life and start being a dad to a boy in need of some tough love. You might learn something about yourself."

Tell her that you've already learned something about yourself. You've learned that you hate having an arsonist for a sister.

"You mean you hate having an arsonist who got caught for a sister. You didn't mind so much back when you needed someone to set fire to that 800 acre expanse of forest."

Ask her why Gladys wants you to raise her son and your sister will say that she guesses she might have mentioned that you were a great big brother to her, that underneath your hard-partying demeanor is a really nurturing soul.

That will bring a tear to your eye, and you'll agree to do it. When you meet Gladys's son, he'll knife you in the leg and you'll never walk without a limp again, but then the two of you will find common ground and he'll win a spelling bee or something.

Happy Your Sister's Cellmate Day!

Phil Cartwright Day!

Phil Cartwright is outside your house screaming your daughter's name.

"You're 18 now," tell her. "You can do what you want with whomever you want, regardless of how long they've been in my employ as a Vice President of Northeastern Regional Promotion."

Your daughter will thank you for respecting her autonomy.

"But you're still my dad," she'll say. "And I'd like your advice."

Tell her what the former Mrs. Cartwright told you about Phil back when you and she were having an affair, that Phil only wants a woman to stand witness to his failure as a man.

"He only seduces women so they'll one day leave him," tell your daughter. "The way Phil's mother left Phil and his Dad when Phil was seven."

Your daughter will listen to Phil shout her name again. You'll see her flinch, like she wants to run to the window but she's afraid to in front of you.

"But women are drawn to him," tell her. "Because they all wanna be the one to prove mama wrong."

Your daughter will look at you, and she'll see the blessing in your smile.

"What about college?" she'll ask.

Tell her college can wait. Love's a little more impatient.

"I'm sure I can get a refund on your first semester's tuition," tell her. "Go."

Your daughter will kiss your cheek, say thanks daddy, then run out the door and into Phil Cartwright's big puffy arms. When they're done kissing, Phil will see you watching from the window, and he'll wave up at you.

"I'm almost done with the Hobart & Heinz presentation," Phil will say. "It's really gonna knock their socks off Monday morning."

"Now one thing I won't abide is you wasting my daughter's time talking shop," say to Phil. "You two go home and be with each other. And I mean completely!"

Phil will make a pistol with his hands and shoot you a "no sweat." He'll pick up your daughter the way you used to when she was just a little girl, he'll put her in his Camry, and you'll watch their taillights disappear.

Happy Phil Cartwright Day!

Michigan Day!

She said Michigan.

"No," say.

She won't stop packing her suitcase.

"No, I said." Pick up her suitcase and throw it against the wall. Her clothes will spill out all over the floor. She won't even blink. She'll just bend her knees and start gathering up her things, right the suitcase, and continue readying her leave.

"It's called Jack and Nina's Auto Body."

"I'll pay for the cost of a new sign."

Tell her you don't want a new sign. Tell her you don't want to fix cars without her. Tell her it's gonna be cold there.

"You knew I'd go back," she'll say. "You had to know."

Storm out. You'll spend the next few months telling customers that Nina's visiting family. One morning, a man you've only seen in pictures will come to the counter and hand you twelve hundred dollars.

"Take my wife's name off your sign," he'll say.

Take the money and ask him how long he thinks he'll be able to hang onto her this time, how long he'll be able to keep her name on his auto body shop's sign, before she goes and finds someone new to fall in love and open a new auto body shop with.

He'll offer his hand for you to shake.

"You know Nina," he'll say. "You know as well as I a woman like that don't hang around nobody forever. But until she leaves, her name ain't gonna be on no other man's auto body shop sign."

Shake his hand and wish him luck. When you let go, you'll know for sure that she's never coming back to you. She might not stay with her husband, but she's never coming back to you.

Happy Michigan Day!

That Guy Has A Boat Too Day!

Your wife thinks you should just sail over and talk to him.

"No, he's probably busy," you'll say. "I'd just be bugging him."

Your wife thinks that he'd probably enjoy talking to another guy who has a boat.

"It's something you have in common. You can ask him how he got so much money that he decided he'd better throw some away on a boat, then you can tell him about how you made a killing buying out underwater mortgages from families who'd been bodily removed from their homes by sheriffs."

You know your wife won't get off your back about this until you finally break down and talk to the guy, so you sail your boat next to his and you shout over to him, "Hi! I see you have a boat."

The guy will fall all over himself to engage you.

"Yeah, you too huh? How about that?" he'll say. "How much money do you have?"

Tell him exactly how much money you have, including assets and long-term investments. Tell him how much your house would sell for if you put it on the market today.

"Wow," he'll say. "We, like, almost have the exact same amount of money!"

He'll start to cry and you won't have to ask why. He feels what you feel. Relief, that finally, at long last, there's someone out there who is able to buy just as much stuff as him.

"I once sailed around the world," say to him. "I did it looking to have a conversation just like this one. Sailed around the world, and here I didn't even have to leave the marina."

Later tonight, you and the other guy with a boat will go below deck on his boat to drink some really fucking expensive brandy and talk about the most disgusting/astonishing acts you ever paid human beings to perform for your sexual arousal. Congratulations on making a brand new friend at age 51.

Happy That Guy Has A Boat Too Day!

Die Buddy Day!

Everyone attending a public high school gets to pick their Die Buddy today. Sometime between first period and the closing bell, you have to kiss someone on the mouth, and whomever you kiss, that's your Die Buddy, the person who will die on the same day as you, someday in the unknowable future.

"Does this mean we'll die together? Will we die in each other's arms, or at least, will we die in the same prison camp, side-by-side before the same firing squad?" you ask.

The answer is not necessarily. You and your Die Buddy could die on opposite sides of the world, one of you dying of natural causes while the other dies from a live hand grenade stuffed into his mouth. The only thing certain is that you will die during the same 24-hour period (Greenwich Mean Time, in case the two of you are in different time zones).

However, many Die Buddies do end up dying together, simply because as Die Buddies you'll feel an urge to stay in touch, to find out if this Die Buddy program is legit (it is), and that will keep you in each other's orbit. The bond of knowing you're going to die during the same 24 hour period can often be misinterpreted as a bond of affection or mutual attraction so you might strike up a romance. Keep in mind that many Die Buddies who become romantically involved find that when the day of passing arrives, they realize that their bond was nothing more than a shared anticipation for the final moment. They regret having given their companionship to a Die Buddy. They regret having never tried to love someone for the way they lived.

"What happens if I don't kiss someone and don't pick my die buddy today?" you ask.

The answer is that you will lose your eyesight.

Happy Die Buddy Day!

He Drinks Tea Now Day!

Your Dad's back.

"Yeah, back in town. Looking for a way to stay out of trouble," he'll tell you at the coffee shop where you agreed to meet.

Tell him you won't let him see his grandchildren, and that after this afternoon you would appreciate if he'd never contact you directly again until someone handling his estate reaches you to tell you how much of his debt you've just inherited because he died by setting himself on fire in bed or driving through the front door of a school or one of the many other horrible ways in which everyone has always assumed he'd leave this earth.

"Tea," he'll say to the waitress when she appears to take your orders. "Chamomile if you have it."

Ask him when he switched from coffee to tea, then tell him never mind, you don't care, and then show him the scar on your arm.

"I'd take my own life if it would take that mark off your skin," he'll say.

Watch him sip his tea and tell him you're not buying it. That just because he's holding a little teacup in between the small of his index finger and thumb, it doesn't shorten Mom's prison sentence.

"I never asked her to take the rap for me," he'll say.

"But she did," tell him.

Your Dad will suggest that maybe the two of you should make the most of your mother's sacrifice, and keep the family together in her absence.

"Tea," say to him. Say it as a question.

Leave feeling like you really gave him the business, but in a few months you're going to invite him to your home for Sunday dinner with his grandkids, and a week or two after that the two of you will go and visit your Mom together, then finally he'll die pulling one of your kids out of the way of a speeding car, and you'll cry for him at his funeral, and none of it would ever come to pass had he ordered coffee today.

Happy He Drinks Tea Now Day!

That Hammering Day!

Go next door to find out what all that hammering is.

"What's all that hammering?"

You won't recognize the woman holding the hammer. She moved in last week and she's divorced.

"Divorced and ready to make up for lost time," she'll say, the hammer clutched in her soft palms.

You and the divorced woman will make love amongst the unpacked boxes.

"My husband never did it like that," she'll say. "He was too busy messing around with other women."

You'll tell her that you understand where she's coming from, that your wife cheated on you not all that long ago, and that it tore a hole in your heart.

"I guess I might have been getting back at her today," you'll say. "But now I feel kind of awful."

"Help me unpack," she'll say.

You'll start to help her unpack. Eventually you'll come upon a box of photos and you'll see a picture of a man you recognize. A man you've seen in pictures given to you by the private detective you hired to tail your wife. The man who met your wife in a motel room every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon for fourteen months.

"Wow small world," you'll say.

"Not so small," the divorced woman will say. "I purposely bought this house next to you. Your wife lured my man away from me. It's only right that I make love to hers. Didn't realize all it would take was a little hammering. I should have rented."

Happy That Hammering Day!

The President's Son Is A Car Thief Day!

You are the President of the United States and you can't stop bringing up the irony of you being the leader of the free world with a son who makes a living stealing cars.

"It should be a lesson to the people of this country," you've said in, like, six State of the Union speeches already. "No matter how powerful you are, you can still end up with some part of your life running astray, creeping off into the night, hotwiring Lexuses and driving them onto Russian freighters for a quick eighteen grand, just for the jazz of it. Think about that America."

Your advisers have warned you that the people are getting sick of hearing about your car thief son, and they're all pretty sure that you're proud of him.

"Why not talk about your daughter at Brandeis?"

You shrug. "What's there to talk about? The president's daughter gets good grades. Stop the fucking presses."

Your advisers tell you that the people think you wish you could have been a bad boy like your son, and they're afraid that you might try to fulfill that wish through policy.

"Yeah, right," you say. "Like a subclause in a jobs bill is really going to give me the same adrenaline rush my son probably gets when he jacks a Lincoln."

Your advisers will say that the people are worried that you don't like being president, and that you wish you had the freedom and devil-may-care lifestyle that your son has.

"Tell the people they're right on the damn money," you say.

This afternoon your son is going to appear on TV in another high speed freeway chase, this time he'll be driving a car carrier full of Benzes. You'll be the only one in the country rooting for your son to get away. Everyone else just wants him to go to jail so their president can finally learn that crime doesn't pay, that when you break the law you're eventually going to have the pay the price with your freedom. Lucky for you, he'll make it across state lines just before the police catch up to him, and since you enacted that "No, Seriously, The Cross State Lines And You Can't Get Arrested Anymore Law Is For Real From Now On" law last year solely to help your son stay free, you're not going to have to learn a damn thing today.

Happy The President's Son Is A Car Thief Day!

You're Just Not Going To Get Anything Done Until You Have Sex With Jordan Day!

Call him.

"Jordan look I need this," say. "I've got a big month ahead of me but ever since you started temping at the office I've kind of become obsessed with you being inside me. What are you doing tomorrow at like 7 PM so we can make that happen?"

Jordan will ask who you are and how he knows you again.

"Cut the shit!" shout.

He'll remember now how he knows you since you scolded him on his first day for drinking out of your tea cup.

"Anyway. You. Inside me. Capiche? This is already taking too long and kind of fucking up my night."

Jordan will tell you that he's getting over a lovely ex of his named Karen and--

"Fine call me Karen then. Jesus. I'll wear a nametag. Tell me how she squealed and I'll make the same noise. Do you realize how many presentations I have to get ready in the next couple of weeks?"

Jordan will think about it.

"Okay," he'll say. "But just promise me you won't--"

Hang up on Jordan. Then send him an email telling him what time you want him to get inside you, and explain that you hung up on him because he already wasted enough of your time with his yappy mouth. Everyone hopes you get this Jordan being inside you thing taken care of because everyone is counting on you to do a great job. You sell soda machines to bus stations.

Happy You're Just Not Going To Get Anything Done Until You Have Sex With Jordan Day!

Assassin Priest Day!

Today you are a priest who makes money for your church and affiliated orphanage by being an assassin for hire. You got into the line of work a long time ago, back when it looked like the city was going to shut your church down (cities do that!) and all the orphans in your orphanage would be thrown into child protection programs and the foster care system. You had to do something!

"So I did what I promised myself I'd never do," you tell the Archbishop. "I followed in the footsteps of my father."

Your father was a special ops asset during the cold war, and he was the best there was.

"I only take jobs where I can be sure the target is a sinner, through and through, one who is beyond redemption."

"No sinner is beyond redemption," the Archbishop says. "You're assuming the role of God in your killings."

"Only by assuming the role of God can I get the money to continue doing God's work," you tell the Archbishop. "If it weren't for my contract killings, my church would be no more."

"Fine," the Archbishop says. "If you insist on lying to yourself, do what you have to do."

You raise your pistol and fire two rounds into the Archbishop's chest, and a third round into his forehead. You'd better head downtown to report the job done. No longer will your city have an Archbishop who uses his frock to shield a network of drug running, human trafficking, and arms dealing.

And most importantly, the orphanage is saved!

Happy Assassin Priest Day!

Sam The Guy Your Daughter Married Once Day!

Today you'll be having a nice lunch in a nice restaurant when you'll be visited at your table by the restaurant manager. It will be Sam, the guy your daughter married once.

"Can you tell your daughter I'm manager here now?" Sam will ask. "She ended it because she said I'd never follow through on my dreams of managing a high-end restaurant like this one. Seeing as you eat here, you clearly agree that this place is pretty boss. Can you tell her? Can you tell your daughter I made it?"

"No," tell Sam. Then explain that your daughter cut you out of her life after you pressured her to divorce Sam.

"I'm the one who convinced her to leave you, son," tell him. "I told her she's better than you. I told her you were never going to be more than you were."

Sam's voice will be choked with rage. "Then you are duty-bound to tell her you were wrong!"

"She already knows, son," tell Sam. "But she's remarried to a man she doesn't love, and she has two young children who don't impress her, but she says she's stuck with them, all because I told her you weren't good enough. She told me it was all my fault and she said that's the last I'd hear from her."

"I could go to her," Sam will say. "I could destroy her family and we could finally live out the happy life I know we were supposed to share"

"It's the only way she'll ever speak to me again," say to Sam. "I'll fund the operation and get you the manpower."

And that's how you and Sam will join forces and gather an eclectic crew in a high-stakes caper to break up your daughter's home!

Happy Sam The Guy Your Daughter Married Once Day!

Cigarette Day!

When Jenny asks you for a cigarette today she'll only be asking you for it because she thinks you look absolutely breathtaking with a cigarette in between your big pink lips and she wants to look like that too.

"I want boys to want me the way they want you," Jenny will say.

Tell her, "Oh then you need the cigarette, definitely."

Explain to Jenny that before you started smoking boys never gave you the time of day. After you started smoking, you were stunned.

"Do you know how many poets go to this school? The minute I started smoking about nine boys started writing the most glorious verse about me. They'd rip the poems out of their notebooks, bloody the back of the pages and stick them to my locker for me to find after 5th period."

Jenny will be hanging on your every word. She'll be ready to strangle you just to get one of those cigarettes in her mouth.

"After you smoke this," tell Jenny. "You should get a day planner. And start telling your parents where you go and who you're with every time you leave the house. Some boys kidnap. Their parents have cabins in the woods and they try to take me up there and lock me away with them so no one else can have me. Boys don't like to share when they find the beauty they believe will save them."

"Oh my God," Jenny will say. "Give me one of those Marlboro reds right now or I think I'll explode."

Hand Jenny her cigarette and tell her, "We have something to celebrate anyway."

Light both of the cigarettes. Let Jenny inhale and feel her life change. Then...

"I'm pregnant and I'm not keeping it!" tell Jenny.

The two of you should jump up and down screaming and smoking.

Happy Cigarette Day!

Dads Are Sitting In Their Cars Listening To The Radios Day!

Every night after dinner they go outside to the streets, get in their cars, turn on the radios, and sit and listen until the Moms send their youngest daughters out to knock on the car windows and ask the Dads to come inside.

"It's probably connected to the recession or something," says an out-of-work expert named Laraine. "They probably lost their jobs, moved their families to smaller houses with no driveways, and they feel like they don't deserve to share their homes with these people they've let down, so they go listen to their radios in their cars."

People who walk past the Dads say they don't see them cry. They don't see them rock out. They don't see them do much of anything really. They just listen to the radio and breathe and think about stuff, it looks like.

"I'm telling you, recession!" insists Laraine, a person who used to make money acting like she knew everything, but now gives it out for free. "The Dads are probably thinking about how just eighteen months ago they could have gone out to their cars and taken their own lives by turning on the motors and shutting their garage doors, but now they can't because they had to move into houses without garages. Too broke to die. Get it?"

The daughters who go out to knock on their Dad's car windows are the real victims in all this. In order for them to convince their Dads to come in, they have to go out there in their pajamas, with their arms wrapped around plush toys. As we head into Autumn, the nights are going to get a lot chillier and those pajama-clad daughters are going to start catching colds.

Happy Dads Are Sitting In Their Cars Listening To The Radios Day!

Spraypaint Day!

Your twelve-year-old daughter was sent to the principal's office for spraypainting a boy's body.

"It's what I dig," she says. "He was into it."

"I won't have you shame her," tell the principal.

The principal explains that while they do what they can to let sexuality blossom without any finger-wagging, your daughter's practices can be harmful. To the lungs.

"Sex is messy," your daughter shrugs.

The boy's parents are traveling in Europe for the year so there's nothing to worry about there.

"What's the problem here?" demand of the principal. "As far as I can see, my daughter and this boy were just experimenting with aerosol compounds. Just like I used to do when i was a kid, and I'm betting, like you used to as well Principal Harris."

Principal Harris will blush. That's the beginning.

She'll let your daughter go with a warning to use painter's masks from now on, which cost only pennies from any hardware store. In a week she'll call you again. You'll recognize the number, but she won't say anything when you pick up. You'll listen to each other breathe for a few seconds. Finally, you'll say "Where." She'll name a hotel and say, "45 minutes."

Happy Spraypaint Day!

Man Come By Take Your Wife Day!

People keep cornering you to give you pep talks about that man who came by and took your wife.

"Man come by take your wife, you go take her back," they say.

You try to explain again how it all played out. That the man walked through the front door while the two of you were watching "Saving Grace." The man looked at your wife and said "Let's go." Your wife looked at you and said "I'm going." You looked at her and said "Can't blame you."

"Woman needs to see it. Needs to know, you're her man. All there is to it."

They don't understand who you are and what you're capable of. They think that just by explaining to you what most people would do - what they would do if they were in your situation - it will inspire you to go out and do the same.

"She wanted you on your feet. She wanted you bloodying that man to bits."

You tell them that you appreciate their concern, and their encouragement, but you will not let anyone else tell you how you're supposed to treat your wife. You raise your voice and you tell them "No one tells me how to treat my wife!"

They tell you it's "No one tells me how to raise my child" and that you don't have a child. They tell you it's okay to tell someone how to treat his wife, especially if his wife just up and left with some man who walked through the front door. They ask you flat out, "Do you want her back?"

You say of course you do but you won't go get her and drag her back into your arms because then she'd have to be in your arms again and you wouldn't wish that on anybody.

"Honestly," say to them. "She's probably really happy with this new guy and if you were really her friends, you wouldn't try to get me to try to go and convince her to come back and live here with me. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Jerks."

Finally they will admit that they really were just trying to be cruel to your wife, to try and make her have to live with you again because they are jealous of the new happiness she must be enjoying, and they will leave in shame.

Happy Man Come By Take Your Wife Day!

Shopping For School Clothes With Dad’s Girlfriend Tami (A Back-To-School Miracle!) Day!

Since Tami is only seven years older than you, she dresses really cool and she still remembers how important it is to look hot in high school. You didn’t think Tami liked you that much, because she hasn’t really wanted to spend much time with you since she started dating your dad, so you're surprised when she comes into your room and says, “Let’s go get you some school clothes.”

You tell her that you usually go shopping for school clothes with your mom, but Tami says, “Well this year you’re going with me. Come on, you have to look superhot on your first day.”

Tami lets you buy skinny jeans, which Dad never lets you buy. She lets you buy a bunch of things from American Apparel, and mom won’t even let you set foot in there. You buy like six pairs of the cutest shoes, and Tami even brings you into Gap Body and helps you pick out bras.

Some of the stuff is super-expensive too. You'll probably spend more on your school clothes this year than all the other years combined, but Tami says it's cool and just charges it all to your Dad’s credit card.

“You sure Dad’s not gonna get angry about this?” you ask when you're at the food court. “He never lets me spend this much. He says I’m too young to spend so much on clothes.”

“Your Dad says a lot of stuff he doesn’t really mean,” Tami says, kind of staring blankly at the Chick-Fil-A counter.

After lunch Tami takes you to the MAC Cosmetics store and you try on a ton of makeup. Tami doesn’t help you out too much though. The counter girl tells you what colors are right for you while Tami is in the back talking to one of her friends who works there. At first it looks like they're fighting because Tami seems really angry, but before you leave she and her friend hug for a really long time, and it looks like the friend is comforting Tami. Then Tami comes over and tells you to buy all the makeup you tried on. It costs over $250!

“Are you sure Dad’s not going to be upset about this?” you ask Tami when you're walking towards Macy’s. Tami is walking really fast so you have to kind of trot to keep up.

“If he gets upset,” she says to you. “You tell him he shouldn’t expect other people to do the right thing when he keeps doing the wrong thing over and goddamned over again.”

You tell Tami you aren't sure if you could say all that to your Dad, but she doesn’t hear you. You're walking really fast now, right past juniors, past womens, and up the escalator into men’s.

“What are we doing here?” You start to ask, but then you stop in your tracks when you see your mom standing behind the Men’s Fragrance counter. You didn’t even know she’d started working again after she and your dad separated.

“Mom?” you say.

Before she can answer, Tami starts picking up cologne sample bottles and throwing them at your mom, screaming at her and calling her a bitch and a cow and the c-word. Your mom ducks behind the counter, trying not to get hit, while Tami is practically falling over the counter grabbing at her hair, shouting stuff like “I’ll kill you you whore” and “Just let him go you old cow” and “Think you won’t lose him again? Think you can really hang onto him this time?”

Some security guards come and drag Tami out of the store, and your mom finally stands up and shouts, “He’s my husband!” But Tami is already gone.

And that’s how you're going to find out your mom and dad are getting back together!

Happy Shopping For School Clothes With Dad’s Girlfriend Tami (A Back-To-School Miracle!) Day!

Write A Letter To Some Rain Day!

Start with "Dear Rain" because it's respectful, then be self-effacing right off the bat.

"I know I'm an asshole for going back and forth about you." that way the rain won't want to call you an asshole because you already came up with it.

Get hostile all of a sudden. "But seriously, who gives a shit what you think of me? You're weather." That was cold but it's the only way to guarantee a clean break.

Now it's time to lay it all down plain. "On Monday I was into you. On Tuesday, I thought, this is still kind of boss. Today, sorry but you're what's wrong, not me."

You're doing it! You're really doing it! Keep going. "I probably didn't need to write this letter because I see according to a website that can see into the future that tomorrow you're going to be replaced by sunshine and also you can't read (no eyes)."

Ouch on the 'no eyes' thing.

"Bye and once more, I don't like you the way I did 40 hours ago (that was fun then)."

Awesome. Now close. "So long. Love (why did I write love, I don't), [your name]."

Yes! That rain is going to kill itself you broke its heart so sad.

Happy Write A Letter To Some Rain Day!

Do You Wanna Come With Me Day!

A man will hold out his hand and ask, "Do you wanna come with me?"

No blood on his hand, some scars, fingernails thick as a car windshield, and a wedding ring so old the gold's gone bad.

"Do you wanna come with me?"

If you take his hand he'll lead you to the passenger seat of his Caprice Classic, and he'll drive you across town to a small, two-story home.

Inside he'll sit you down in a chair that looks like it's only purpose is to make the elderly sit up straight while they die. He'll give you a glass of tonic water and he'll turn on the TV. A rerun of "Medium."

"Is this it?" you'll ask.

He'll nod, belch airily.

"I was kind of hoping for an adventure," you'll say.

He'll laugh once. Then he'll get lost in the show.

In the show, a person will have died, but no one will know why. Then the medium will use psychic powers and it's over.

"Time to turn in," he'll say. He won't get up. He's going to sleep exactly where he's sitting on that couch.

"Is there anyone else who lives here who might involve me in dangerous capers? Or maybe a love affair that will be my end?"

He'll shake his head slowly from left to right while watching the evening news on mute.

"Why did you ask me to come with you?"

"I asked you if you wanted to come with me, and you did. Apparently where you were sucked so bad you didn't care where I was going."

You'll try to remember how you felt about where you were, and whether it was so much worse than the chair in which you're sitting. You won't be sure, so you'll keep comparing, looking back every chance you get. You'll stay in the chair, looking back and doing your best to decide which was the better life. You'll die sitting up straight.

Happy Do You Wanna Come With Me Day!