Learn To Play The World's Smallest Violin So That People Can Actually Hear It Day

People like to open up to you about their troubles, and nothing helps them pour their hearts out like when you play them a slow, mournful piece of music, such as something for the violin.

You'd like to be able to play something new and special every time someone solicits your attention for a heart-to-heart. Trouble is, you have a busy schedule with a lot of errands to run. You can't be lugging your violin around with you everywhere you go. That's why you bought yourself the world's smallest violin. It cost you $83,000.

You thought your problem was solved, but learning to play the thing has not been easy. In the quiet of your practice studio, you can hear the instrument fine. Its music is a little softer, but just as beautiful if not more so. It was carved out of a kind of wood you just don't find today.

But it's a lot quieter than you thought, and it's caused several unfortunate altercations with your friends. You'll be walking through a crowded park or sharing a subway ride with a friend and he'll start telling you what sort of trouble he's got himself into. When he's unraveled the bulk of the sad tale, you'll take the world's smallest violin out of your pocket and start to play him something beautiful and poignant, something that might have been written just for him. Trouble is, he can't hear it.

"What is that?" your friend will ask.

"That's the world's smallest violin and I'm playing it just for you. Pretty cool right? Cost me $83,000."

He'll look at your fingers rubbing together, then he'll grow enraged. "Fuck you," he'll say. "Sorry to waste your time, asshole. You used to be a good friend to me."

Then your friend will storm off. You'll try to pull him back so you can put your hand close enough to his ear for him to hear the song you're playing for him. "Please," you'll beg your friend. "It really is such a beautiful song."

Your friend will just throw you to the ground and tell you that he slept with one of your ex-girlfriends while you were still with her, but never told you about it (this has been confessed by three separate friends on three separate occasions, each following an incident with the world's smallest violin). What all this says is that today you should really learn to play the world's smallest violin so that people can hear it. Also, you date tramps.

Happy Learn To Play The World's Smallest Violin So That People Can Actually Hear It Day!

Get Your Mom Stoned Day

Get Your Mom Stoned Day!

You and your friend should get your Mom stoned. It'll rule. Especially because she has glaucoma.

Just sneak up on her in the kitchen, which won't be hard since she can barely see, and then start yelling about how it's about time she partied with you all. She'll say that she's been waiting for you to ask her, because she wants to see again, but she didn't want to horn in on your stash. Then get your friends to hold her arms while you cover her mouth with the lip of the bong and force her to inhale. When she does, hoot and holler.

Once she's stoned, all of you should veg out on the couch together and talk about how stoned you got your Mom. Say, to her, "Dude you're so stoned. I knew you loved to party." She'll say, "I think I'm starting to see again." That's when you should wiggle your fingers in front of her eyes and make spacey noises. She'll totally wig.

Happy Get Your Mom Stoned Day!

Set Your Price Club Membership Card On Fire Day

Set Your Price Club Membership Card On Fire Day!

Whisper into the flames, "Today, I am wet. Born fresh and born free. I understand that there is a past I am purported to have lived. That past has no bearing on the man I am this evening, and henceforth. Every moment will be lived. Every word will be necessary. Every kiss given in love. Every hand offered in sincerest peace. Today I am entire."

Sit with your eyes closed and take in the smell of burning plastic until you feel it in your veins. As the crackling of the fire dies down, you'll hear everyone else in your support circle snickering.

"That was very brave of you," your sponsor will say. "I haven't been this moved since Michael Keaton's performance in Clean and Sober. Now if you're done overcoming your addiction to slashed prices, Marylin's ready to call her Dad and tell him she knows he raped her and that's why she started sniffing H."

Calmly and entirely, say to your sponsor and to the circle, "I am ready. Marilyn, the flames belong to you.

While Marilyn calls her Dad and screams, you should weep inwardly for the purchase points lost in that fire. Later tonight, scrabble in the ash to see if the card can be rescued. You never know.

Happy Set Your Price Club Membership Card On Fire Day!

Pretend You Love To Party Day

Pretend You Love To Party Day!

Just write all over yourself with a magic marker. Then in the gym locker room, when a total stranger asks if you love to party, say "Check this shit out." Take off all of your clothes to show him all the embarrassing curse words and insults written all over you. The total stranger will say, "But that's all written backwards. You wrote that yourself in a mirror didn't you?"

You got served. Just change back into your street clothes and leave. When you get home, cancel your gym membership. It's guaranteed that that guy just told the entire gym about what just happened, and if you ever set foot in that gym again they're all going to point and they're all going to laugh.

Happy Pretend You Love To Party Day!

Mismatched Socks Day

Mismatched Socks Day!

Today without realizing it you’re going to leave the house in mismatched socks, one blue, the other brown and orange argyle. You won’t make it a few blocks without being beaten senseless by a gang of street children, but they won’t tell you it’s because of your socks. They’ll just shout “Freak!” and “Go back to New York!” and things.

You’ll go to the police station and tell them about the beating, but before you even approach the reception area the desk sergeant will have spotted your socks. He’ll listen to your story about the beating, but the socks will in his mind incriminate you for a string of murdered prostitutes they’ve been finding near the freeway. He’ll ask you to step behind the counter, but he won’t press too hard since he’s just a desk sergeant and won’t want to be the one you lose your mind on. You’ll walk free, for a short while until the APB is issued.

At work you’ll be demoted and the process of humiliating you to force you out will begin. “My God man do what’s right for the firm and resign,” the Chairman will say. You’ll go to a dark bar to drown your sorrows where the love of your life will introduce herself and say, “Sometimes a woman can look at a man and know. That’s what happened when I saw your hosiery.”

At that you’ll look down at your ankles and then back up at the woman and you’ll say, “You know me better than I know myself.”

Marry.

Happy Mismatched Socks Day!

The Cuckolded Lumberjack Day

The Cuckolded Lumberjack Day!

Today, the lumberjack will discover just before work that his wife has been cheating on him with his coworker, another lumberjack. The cuckolded lumberjack will drive to work very upset. The emotions swirling around in him will make him dizzy, going from anger to sadness to humiliation to self-pity. When he gets to work, he’ll keep his cool until he sees the lumberjack that cuckolded him. The cuckolded lumberjack will kill the other lumberjack with his chainsaw, naturally, because he’ll have just found out he was cuckolded and he has a chainsaw. What would you do?

Email your responses in soon and you could win.

Happy The Cuckolded Lumberjack Day!

Steal A Suit For Your Son To Wear To His First Big Dance Day

Steal A Suit For Your Son To Wear To His First Big Dance Day!

You are an impoverished single mother and your teenage son is in love with a girl who has two working parents. He confided to you that he wanted to ask this girl to the upcoming winter formal, but that he was afraid she would say no because he was poor and she was not. You did all you could to reassure your son that that girl shouldn’t care about anything except for his character. You tried to give him the courage to march right up and ask her to be his date. It was a wonderful day when he came home beaming with the news that she had said yes. Then you both became aware of a small hurdle that needed to be surpassed.

“I need a suit,” your son said.

“I know,” you told him.

“Did Dad leave any behind?” he asked you.

You shook your head. “I threw all his clothes away.”

“It can’t be from the Salvation Army,” your son said. He was starting to panic. “I need a new suit. A real, new suit. Marion will be able to tell the difference.”

You promised your son, “I’ll take care of it.”

You’re going to have to steal a suit for him from one of the apartments that you clean as a visiting maid. The apartment you clean on Saturdays is occupied by a low level record executive in his twenties. He’s about as tall as your son, maybe a little bit taller. You were shocked the first time you opened his closet door by how many suits he had. Steal one today.

No matter how much you implore your son to be careful to keep the suit clean, he’ll end up catching the suit on fire when the car he’s riding in crashes into a telephone pole. Your son won’t be hurt, but you’ll have to figure out how to replace an $800 suit before the owner notices it missing.

Have a car wash. In the end you’ll make enough money, but the owner will discover that the suit is a replacement by some detail you won’t think to consider, and he’ll have you fired from the cleaning service. But don’t worry. When you confront the suit owner with the reality of what a hardship he’s brought upon you and your son, he’ll fall in love with your feistiness and end up being a surrogate role model for your boy.

Happy Steal A Suit For Your Son To Wear To His First Big Dance Day!

Take Your Buddy's Wife Out While He's Away Day!

Take Your Buddy's Wife Out While He's Away Day!

Your friend Dave has a very attractive wife and he's afraid of her cheating on him unless she is constantly entertained by male companionship.

"Can you take her out tonight?" he asked you yesterday. "I have an offsite in Springfield and I won't get back until tomorrow. If she's left alone for the evening, who knows how many times she'll cheat on me."

You told Dave that you understand his terror and that you'd be glad to take her out so that he can know who she's cheating on him with.

"No!" Dave shouted. "I just want you to take her to a movie and some dinner and be good company for her so she doesn't feel the need to have sex with anybody. Can I trust you to do that?"

That bummed you out, but you agreed to help him.

Tonight at dinner, you'll discover that you're no match for Dave's wife in conversation. She's very well-read and knows a lot about economics. You'll try to keep up, but whenever you go silent or you trudge through a boring story, you'll see her eyes glaze over and she'll start sending glances in the direction of other men in the restaurant.

To keep her from luring strange men, you'll resort to spilling your wine on the table and tapping her plate with your fork and asking her if you can try her entrée. You'll lose sight of her when you drop your knife under the table, and she'll make a dash for the rest room where another diner has gotten the message and will be meeting her in one of the stalls. Luckily, you'll burst in just in time to pry them apart.

"Stop it," you'll shout at the other diner. "She's just bored!"

The other diner will run away. Dave's wife will shout, "Damn right I'm bored. Why don't you go wait in the car?"

Say to her, "Because I'm your husband's friend. And your husband loves you so much that he asked his friend to keep you entertained so you wouldn't be forced to betray him. But I guess I didn't do that good a job,"

Dave's wife will feel bad. "No, you were great company. Really." She'll put her arm on your shoulder.

Say to her, "Your husband really cares about you. You owe it to him to get through the night without having sex with other people."

Dave's wife will take a deep breath. She'll say, "I'll try."

"That's all I ask," you'll say.

After that, go back to the table and talk about movies. Her attention will stray occasionally, but she won't try to have sex with anyone for the rest of the meal. Just to be safe, after you take her home, drive to the end of the block and keep your eye on her house.

Happy Take Your Buddy's Wife Out While He's Away Day!

Pull Your Son Into The Life Day

Pull Your Son Into The Life Day!

His mom is seeing a new guy, so he came running to you for a bed to sleep in. Back when you split his mom said she wouldn't let him come see you because she thought you were a bad influence.

"I'm not sending his life down the same toilet that took you under," she said.

You knew you weren't ready to raise him, but it made you furious that she could talk as if the way in which you earn your money made you some kind of child molester. Her "Good Influence" bullshit sure took a breather as soon as she found a drunk who could hold down a job that was willing to move in. So what if he throws her son up against the wall, least half the rent's paid.

Nothing would make you happier than for her to find out her good little boy is following in her Daddy's footsteps. He says he wants to learn how to live on his own. Go ahead. Pull your son into The Life.

"When I was your age I never thought, 'When I grow up I want to give people Henna Tattoos at corporate events and city-organized street fairs.' But I fell into it and it's provided me with the living that lets me hang onto this apartment and all these furnishings."

Your son will tell you that he wants to learn.

"You sure?" ask him. "My fingertips are brown and they're gonna stay that way forever."

Your son will repeat that he wants to learn.

"I can't see the world no more. It's all obscured in wild swirls. Everything's more ornate than it needs to be."

Your son will say that he needs this.

"Okay," tell him. "Settle in. First I'll show you how to dry off a sweaty hand without offending the customer."

For the first time, your son will look at you like he was looking at his Dad.

Happy Pull Your Son Into The Life Day!

Get Horny Day

Get Horny Day!

Today, when someone puts a gun in your brother's face and demands that you achieve an erection in your pants or your brother gets it, you're going to have only one question.

"Do you have any photographs of Topher Grace?"

The fear in your brother's face will momentarily be replaced with shock. "Dude, you're queer?"

Tell him, "For Topher Grace. Yeah. Isn't everybody?"

The gunman will ask you if you have sex with men or with women.

"No matter who I have sex with, I'm only thinking about Topher Grace."

Your brother will ask you why you didn't tell him about this all these years.

"Did you think I would be ashamed of you? Because I'm not," he'll say.

Say, "Why would you be? I bet you're thinking about Topher Grace right now."

Your brother will insist that he's not. Then when the gunman presses the gun harder against his cheek, your brother will admit that Topher Grace is on his mind, but it's only because you all are talking about how hot you think Topher Grace is.

The gunman will remind you that you have to achieve an erection soon.

"I know," tell him. "I need a photo of Topher Grace I said."

The gunman will find some photos on Google. They'll do the trick and your brother will be saved.

Happy Get Horny Day!

You Love The Movie "Grease" Day

You Love The Movie "Grease" Day!

Today, you should tell everyone how much you love the movie "Grease" so that they all think that you were raped by a relative when you were young. Just go on and on about how many times you've watched the movie, about which C-list stars were your favorites in the revived play, making it clear that you've returned to the play at the announcement of every cast change. Your coworkers will pass word around the office that everyone deal a bit more gently with you since you are clearly an incest survivor who has chosen to bury the memory under the heavy blanket of your postured love for the movie "Grease." Your friends will hate themselves for not having seen the obvious emotional scars of abuse sooner and they will stage an intervention for you later this evening. They'll try to convince you that you only think you love the movie "Grease," but in reality you were probably whored out by your mom to her brothers and you've been trying to forget. They'll present to you some scientific studies that make it clear how nine time out of ten, an expressed love for the movie "Grease" is really just a way of saying, "It all got taken away from me the night my Mom went into the hospital with food poisoning and I was left alone with Uncle Pete."

Happy You Love The Movie "Grease" Day!

A Hooker Named Mistletoe Day

A Hooker Named Mistletoe Day!

"The way it works is, I come over and stand on a tall stool. You and your wife come and stand next to the stool. I arch myself over the two of you and you kiss. And whatever else you like. $200 an hour."

You've been stumped for what to get your wife this Christmas. The idea came to you when you were masturbating into the back of your free weekly and you saw Mistletoe's ad.

"I've been out of the game for a while, but there's no way for us to catch a disease from you by having you in our house, right?"

Mistletoe will tell you that unless she catches a cold or the Mumps, it should be cool.

"Mumps, huh?"

Think about it.

"What's the Mumps like?"

Mistletoe will tell you that as far as she knows, it's sucky.

"Hmm."

Think about it. Your wife has complained that your gifts aren't very inventive, and inviting a prostitute to hover on a stool over the two of you would certainly impress her. She also complains that you're too careful with her in bed, and that she wishes you'd be more reckless.

"Can I check my wife's medical history and get back to you?"

Mistletoe will say, "I'm booking up fast."

Say, "Fuck it. Come over on Christmas morning and hover over us while we screw. I have a birthmark on my penis."

Mistletoe will ask, "Why'd you tell me that?"

Explain, "I just don't like to surprise girls with it. In case you feared I had a disease. My wife was very understanding. She even said it turned her on. It's how I knew she was the one."

"She's gonna like her present," Mistletoe will tell you.

"Thanks Mistletoe," say to her. "And please don't slit our throats."

Mistletoe will hang up without responding.

Happy A Hooker Named Mistletoe Day!

Send The Mayor A Necklace Day

Send The Mayor A Necklace Day!

Include a note that says, "Mr Mayor. I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since you revamped the infrastructure. It's like we are just one person split in two, trying to find each other and rejoin that body that was intended. Enclosed is a necklace. It cost me $57 dollars, all the money I could steal from my husband. Wear it to your next press conference, and I'll know you feel the same.

Love,

Millicent Rhodes (Taxpayer)"

If at the next press conference the mayor does not wear your necklace, he's a naughty little tease who likes to be chased.

Happy Send The Mayor A Necklace Day!

Morning Breath Day

Morning Breath Day!

Everyone calls you Morning Breath because your breath smells horrible. You've tried to use breath spray and mints but it doesn't help. You've changed your diet. You've even changed your soap and shampoo just in case it's been affecting your body chemistry somehow. No dice.

Tonight you have a big date and just like all of your big dates, it's not going to go well if she thinks your terrible breath is caused only by you being disgusting. You're going to have to tell her that you're dying.

"I have an intestinal disease," say. "That's why my saliva smells so bad."

She'll say, "I'm sorry."

Ask her if she'd like to be your girlfriend until you die. "I only have six months. You can be in love with me, then you can mourn me for a really long time after that and no one will blame you for skipping out on parties or being late for work because they'll assume you were crying."

She'll say, "Sounds good. I'm in. I'm gonna love you to the end."

Rock! You're gonna have a girlfriend who is cool with your breathing stinking like old milk because she thinks you won't live that long, and who will love you as passionately as someone who thinks time is running out. And when you don't die in six months, all she'll be able to assume is that you recovered and she'll have to be happy for you. So it'll be like another three months after that before she decides that she can't be around someone who stinks so bad if he isn't dying. That's nine whole months of girlfriend, baby. You're stinking pretty tonight!

Happy Morning Breath Day!

Be A Poker Ace Day

Be A Poker Ace Day!

If you become a Poker Ace, no one will say things like, "You have a gambling addiction and you need to get help" anymore. Poker Aces are nothing but gambling addicts who win all the time, so start winning all the time. People will look up to you as a Poker Ace because they'll know that you always have $80,000 in cash on your person. And no one will mind anymore that you're supremely unattractive because Poker Aces always are. It's what gives them their drive to win so much of other people's money. Ask any Poker Ace why they do it, and they'll say that they're angry at God for making them look that way, so they decided to get back at him by taking all the money God saw fit to let other people have.

So go back downstairs to the tables and start to win every single hand. You have to win $250,000 in one night in order to become a Poker Ace, and you have to not care about a dime of it. Also, you're not allowed to send any back to your wife and daughter. It's not the Poker Ace's way. And finally, you're going to have to die in the near future from a gunshot to the temple. You're welcome to pull the trigger, or you can just wait for someone else to do it. When you're a Poker Ace, you can bet that someone surely will.

Happy Be A Poker Ace Day!

Homeowner Day

Homeowner Day!

Though you are a homeowner, you are not allowed to shoot trespassing children unless they pose a credible threat to your person or your family. So when little Marty climbs the wall of your yard to retrieve a ball, provoke him.

Point your shotgun at him and say, "You wouldn't have to be staring down the barrels of this here gun if you learned how to catch, girl-arm."

Marty will say, "You're right, I don't know how to catch. Can I stay here with you? When I go back to the game they're all just gonna make fun of me."

You'll be confused because you've been an angry old man ever since your wife Georgia died. It's been a long time since anyone asked to keep your company. "What'll we do?" ask him.

Marty will shrug his shoulders. "Got anything to teach me?"

Say, "Do you know how to make Hollandaise sauce?"

Marty will shake his head no. Then he'll toss the ball over the fence to his friends and come running to your side.

In the kitchen, you'll show Marty how to make your special Hollandaise sauce. "Put this on a couple poached eggs and you'll feel like you deserve a little bit more than most people. Which you don't. It's important for a boy your age to learn that you aren't special. Almost as important as it is that you learn to make a good Hollandaise. Keep stirring."

Marty will stir the Hollandaise sauce and tell you about how his father and grandfather don't talk.

"I don't talk to my son neither, the little bastard."

Marty will ask if you'll be his grandpa. Since his Dad won't let him have one.

Say, "I need to confess something first. When I came out there in the yard earlier with my shotgun, I really wanted to shoot you. Shoot you dead. I was hoping you might throw that ball at me so I could say I'd been attacked and open fire. If you can live with your grandpa doing something like that, sure. I'll be your grandpa, kid."

Marty will hug your legs. Give him a check for five dollars.

Happy Homeowner Day!

Naked Pictures Your Ex-Girlfriend Took Day

Naked Pictures Your Ex-Girlfriend Took Day!

Apparently your ex-girlfriend got a little drunk last night and posted some naked pictures of you on the internet. It wasn't malicious. You and she are still in touch, and you've even met her husband and 2-year old son. She was with some friends and they were all admiring the naked photographs of you and it was decided in their drunken state that it would be the right thing if the photos were put up on the internet.

"They were actually kind of angry with me that I hadn't shown them the pictures earlier," your ex told you when she called this morning. "They felt that I had been selfish because naked pictures of you are so pleasing to the eye. My friends said that in order to make amends for my selfish behavior, I must share the photos with the world immediately."

"I understand," you said.

"You're getting a lot of hits," she said. "I posted your email address next to the photos so that people can write to you."

"Thank you," you said.

When you get to your computer you'll find your inbox flooded with several thousand emails from people who have seen the naked photographs of you and wanted to make contact with you for one reason or another. Most of the emails are simply complimentary. "Congratulations on the excellent naked photographs," they read. Others are more passionate.

"I've left my husband. I'm coming to your city. Tell me where to find you so I won't have to track you down, which will cost money. I'm broke."

And then there were of course a great deal of emails from people who were made angry or who were offended by the photographs. "You are clearly attempting to portray a Godlike physique in these photographs, but there is only one God. There are many sinners. I intend to rid the Earth of just one. You."

You were afraid of this kind of thing. But you let your ex take the photographs anyway. Many times you had the opportunity to destroy them, but you didn't. Perhaps you wanted to see just what would happen.

There's some racket outside. Go to the window and watch a crowd of your admirers clash with a crowd of people who came out to kidnap you and burn you in a public park. Each group is several hundred people strong. Many are about to die. All because you look so motherfucking hot when you drop your pants for a Polaroid.

Happy Naked Pictures Your Ex-Girlfriend Took Day!

Your Chauffer Knows Where There Are Hookers Day

Your Chauffer Knows Where There Are Hookers Day!

"You are very lucky to have me as your limousine chauffer for the evening," Hector told you when you began your drive from the airport. "I know where there are hookers."

You told him that you just wanted to get to your hotel so that you can get some sleep and then wake up bright and early to reconcile with your daughter after all these years. He seemed hurt.

"But…don't you want to know where there are hookers?" he pouted.

You said, "Okay Hector. Show me where there are hookers."

The first place he took you was an underpass.

"See?" he said. There were indeed hookers for as far as the eye could see.

"That's great," you said. "But you know, it is an underpass. Everyone knows that the hookers live underneath the underpass."

Hector said, "You are very brilliant. I will take you someplace where you never would have guessed you would find a hooker."

Hector took you to 378 Oak Tree Lane. He knocked on the door and an old woman answered. Hector told her, "He wants to see the hooker."

She led the two of you quietly up the stairs to a bedroom where a 20-year-old woman was napping. She looked quite pretty.

"My daughter," the old woman whispered.

"A hooker too, yes?" Hector asked excitedly.

The old woman nodded. Then closed the door softly.

Back in the car, Hector said, "Impressed?"

"Yes Hector, I never would have guessed there was a hooker in there. Can I go to my hotel now?"

Hector said he wanted to take you to one more place where there are hookers. The place he took you to was a Stop N Shop.

"There," he said, pointing at the supermarket.

"Hookers are here?" you asked. "Which aisle?"

Hector didn't like your joke. He peeled out of the parking lot and started speeding down the highway.

"I'm sorry Hector. It was just…"

"The hookers are in the back of the store inside the loading dock! But you do not deserve to know where there are hookers!" Hector said. "You deserve to be tied to a wall and carved open while you are still alive."

That's what Hector's doing to you right now. It's awful, and you'll die soon. Just a day before you were finally going to pull your daughter back into your life.

Happy Your Chauffer Knows Where There Are Hookers Day!

Your Prized Caroler Is Pregnant Day

Your Prized Caroler Is Pregnant Day!

19-year-old Stacey is showing. You haven't seen her all year and you didn't know about this until just now when you all gathered for cocoa at Rafe's. You told Stacey that you don't think it looks right, singing about the lord and about family cheer and whatnot when everyone in town knows that she isn't married. Maybe she should sit this year out, you suggested.

The others objected that without Stacey they just didn't have what it takes. She's the angel on our tree, they said. She's the nose on Rudolph, they added. She's the pipe in Frosty's mouth, they belabored.

"Besides," Stacey said. "It's Christmas, the one time of year when everyone claims to believe in a virgin birth. Tell them I'm just another carrier of the heavenly seed."

Well you certainly had no plans of telling anyone anything like that. But it was clear that Stacey wasn't going to bow out of the season's greetings, so you bucked up and decided to captain your troupe of carolers with the leadership they expect from you. You and your fellow carolers would bring song unto your neighbors.

Things will go fine tonight, until you get to Jake Henning's house. Jake will open the door while you're singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing." He'll slam it in your faces when Stacey pushes her way to the front step and bellows up at him, "Glory to THE NEWBORN KING!!!" You'll all leave the Hennings' house, but Stacey will stay and scream the complete song at the house while Jake draws all the curtains and turns off the downstairs lights.

She'll catch up to you after she tosses a snowball through the glass pane of Jake's bedroom window. None of you will say much about it, but it'll be pretty clear that Jake's the father of Stacey's baby. Jake and his wife have already got two kids so what he'd want with another one nobody thought it was a good idea to ask.

Happy Your Prized Caroler Is Pregnant Day!

Embark On A Magical Journey That You'll Never Forget Day

Embark On A Magical Journey That You'll Never Forget Day!

Most people believe that in order for a journey to be magical, you have to go into the woods with an adult who is shorter than four feet tall as a companion. These people are creepy and they're trying to lure you into a rural underbelly where adults who are shorter than four feet tall are paid to fistfight children to the death.

Your magical journey will begin when you least expect it. Such as when a horse-drawn sleigh approaches from the darkness and the old sleigh driver tells you that though you are just a schoolboy, you are the last hope for saving the forgotten country of Mostanzipan, a gleaming land of hope and good that rests in the dark cliffs of Metuchen, New Jersey.

You will tell the sleigh driver, "I won't fistfight midgets."

The sleigh driver will pass this information back to the cloaked figures sitting side by side in the sleigh. The cloaked figures will confer, then they will nod to the sleigh driver, who will say to you, "Never mind then." And the sleigh will rattle off down the road until it disappears into the black horizon.

Once the sleigh is gone and the street is still, you'll and wonder about the journey you passed up. Then you'll be thrown into a van and driven to a television studio where you'll be told you've been picked to be a contestant on a new reality show called, "Scavenger Hunt," and the prize is one million dollars.

Happy Embark On A Magical Journey That You'll Never Forget Day!