Today Vegan Stephen is going to pound on your door and beg you to let him in. You'll hear a mob outside in the street. Voices. Angry voices.
"I need a place to hide," Vegan Stephen will say.
"Are you that vegan?" you'll ask.
"It's a personal dietary choice! Let me in dammit!"
"It upsets me," you'll say. "When I found out you were vegan, I was kind of pissed. Why don't you just eat what I eat?"
Vegan Stephen will pull a wad of cash form his pocket. "Do you want money? Is that it? I'll give you money if that's what you want!"
"Vegan money? God no."
You'll hear pounding on the front door of your building. The people chasing Vegan Stephen are getting closer.
"Jesus Christ, do you know who's down there?" Vegan Stephen will plead. "Do you have any idea what they'll do if they find me?"
"Like, if it was your birthday and I baked you a cake, would you refuse to eat it just because it had some milk and eggs in it?"
"And butter! Yes! Save me, please!"
You'll consider it. "Jesus, butter too. I hadn't thought about that. It just seems like you're trying to call me a terrible person by living this way."
The first door to the vestibule will come off its hinges and you'll hear them pounding at the second door with their shoulders. They'll be on the stairs soon.
"They're after me because I found out something about the police, something that threatens us all! They want to silence me! I'll do anything if you just let me in."
Tell Vegan Stephen that you want him to eat a piece of bacon. If he eats a piece of bacon, you'll protect him. He'll agree and you'll let him in. While you're cooking bacon, he'll crack you over the head with your fireplace poker, run downstairs and open the front door to let in all the vegans outside who were only pretending to be a bloodthirsty mob. While you bleed on the floor, they'll rob your apartment of all of its possessions, then they'll look inside your refrigerator and judge you.
You trusted a vegan and look what happened. Look at what happens when you trust Vegan Stephen.
Happy Vegan Stephen Day!
