Your Buddies Just Stopped By To Let You Know You're Beautiful Day!

Your buddies Nick and Booter are buzzing your apartment. They're on their way to work at Knutzens Tire Junction, but they just wanted to stop off and let you know that you're beautiful.

"I'm not!" you shout into your intercom.

"You is too!" Nick shouts back. "Don't you fuckin' say otherwise."

"I'm ugly! I am ugly!"

"You fuckin' piece of shit!" shouts Booter. "All throughout high school you were always the most attractive one of our crew. Whenever we'd do whippits, all the girls would fight over who gets to suck on the tube after you."

"And the waitresses always used to give you free cokes at Cracker Barrel," Nick adds.

"So don't fuckin' tell us you're not beautiful!" commands Booter. "Forget what Stacy Knutzen says."

"She's lonely and she's drunk with power," says Nick. "Wants to pretend she's Cleopatra."

Stacy Knutzen took over control of Knutzen's Tire Junction after her father died. She's a 26-year-old junior college grad with not a lot of brains. She announced on her first day on the job that she was firing "all the girls and the not-hot guys." You got the axe.

"There's no accounting for taste," Nick adds.

"What if I exercised?" you ask them. "If I lost like fifteen pounds? Got back down to my hockey weight?"

Nick and Booter hesitate. Then they shout, "Um, yeah! Sure! You could--" But you release the listen button and go back to bed. That moment's hesitation told you everything. You'll never be hot enough to get hired back into that tire shop. It's all over for you.

Happy Your Buddies Just Stopped By To Let You Know You're Beautiful Day!

You Steal Bikes Day!

This recession has forced us all to improvise to make ends meat. Some people have started substitute teaching, others have started killing for money. You’ve found that there’s a lot of cash to be made in the theft and resale of bicycles.

Today you’re going to steal a real nice mountain bike from a lady when she parks outside a deli for just a second while she grabs herself a juice. When you bring the bike to the second-hand bike shop, you’re going to find this is one hot bike that won’t be so easy to sell.

“I know this bike,” Jerry the proprietor will say. “You know whose bike this is?”

“Some girl’s,” you’ll say.

Jerry will open up a newspaper to an article on the Molinari mafia trial. You’ll see a photo of Mob kingpin Louie Molinari standing outside the courthouse laughing it up with reporters. Right next to him will be the girl you stole the bike from today. In the photo, she’ll be sitting on that very bike.

“Why’s she sitting on a bike outside the courthouse where her Dad’s on trial?” you’ll ask.

“Maybe she just finished up her bike ride in time to take a picture with her Pop,” Jerry will say. “Who knows? The point is, that girl loves her bike, and you just stole it from her. She’s the daughter of the most dangerous man in the city. If you think I’m gonna let that bike inside my store, you’re dead wrong.”

“What am I supposed to do with it?” you ask.

“Throw it in the river,” Jerry says. “Throw yourself in after it. It’s where you’re gonna end up anyhow.”

And that’s how you'll end up going on the run from the mafia, shithead.

Happy You Steal Bikes Day!