Raise your voice and declare yourself:
"I am an alive American. I have been alive for __ years now, and every day is harder than the last. But I will remain alive, breathing, interacting with people behind cash registers and people who want to use the ketchup on my table at the diner, until I get hit by a car or something.
People think I am staying alive just for the attention and the fried foods. They are wrong. I am staying alive because I am frightened that dying hurts.
People think I am staying alive because I want to be congratulated. They are wrong. I am staying alive because I can pretty much be counted on to do what everyone else does, because I don't like to stray too far from the herd.
People think I am staying alive because of the Summer Olympics. They are kind of right. I do enjoy watching the Summer Olympics. But they come around so infrequently that it's not enough.
I am an Alive American. I vote. I pay taxes. I fall in love and I experience heartbreak and I battle substance addictions and I sometimes get really into TV shows and spend weekends watching all the episodes in a row on DVD.
I am an Alive American and I'm cold, bored, and there's nothing I want to buy."
Good. Now lay in bed for another 45 minutes, then roll over the side and onto the floor so you can crawl into the bathroom and take a shower.
Happy Alive Americans In Crisis Day!