Thursday, January 06, 2011

Alive Americans In Crisis Day!

Raise your voice and declare yourself:

"I am an alive American. I have been alive for __ years now, and every day is harder than the last. But I will remain alive, breathing, interacting with people behind cash registers and people who want to use the ketchup on my table at the diner, until I get hit by a car or something.

People think I am staying alive just for the attention and the fried foods. They are wrong. I am staying alive because I am frightened that dying hurts.

People think I am staying alive because I want to be congratulated. They are wrong. I am staying alive because I can pretty much be counted on to do what everyone else does, because I don't like to stray too far from the herd.

People think I am staying alive because of the Summer Olympics. They are kind of right. I do enjoy watching the Summer Olympics. But they come around so infrequently that it's not enough.

I am an Alive American. I vote. I pay taxes. I fall in love and I experience heartbreak and I battle substance addictions and I sometimes get really into TV shows and spend weekends watching all the episodes in a row on DVD.

I am an Alive American and I'm cold, bored, and there's nothing I want to buy."

Good. Now lay in bed for another 45 minutes, then roll over the side and onto the floor so you can crawl into the bathroom and take a shower.

Happy Alive Americans In Crisis Day!


  1. Anonymous8:57 PM

    Either you've gotten bitter or my tastes in entertainment have changed drastically over the past three years. Go back to the "more Pete" days when things were fun.

  2. Anonymous10:25 PM

    Things are still fun. Pay no attention to the naysayers.

  3. "When things were fun."

    You've never read my blog before.

  4. No one can stop if I want to be happy and have fun.