"We never would have met if it wasn't for you," they say. "I was so alone, wondering if I'd ever find anyone who liked sex to be exactly as violent and food-based as I do. But then you came along and with your meddling ways, you introduced me to some guy you met once at a book club or AA or something, and love was instant."
"We're going to name him after you," they say. "We decided that it's only right that our first born carry your name, since he never would have come into being had you not been so bored with your own life that you had to start steering the lives of others. Whether it's because you're afraid of intimacy or because you think you're unlovable and therefore your romantic instincts should only be used to help others, you gave us love. You gave us our child. For that, we thank you."
"It was real cool of you to introduce me to your friend after I told you I could never be attracted to you," they say. Oh they say it.
You've devoted your life to bringing happiness and warmth into the lives of others while you yourself must spend every night alone, on the floor by the wall, crying into the electrical sockets. No one bothers to return the favor to you with anything more than another word of gratitude. You know full well their expression of thanks is just another excuse for them to tell the story about how they met, like it was some momentous occasion everyone's supposed to care about, as if we're all supposed to know where we were on the night Jenny and Johnny first laid eyes on each other, the way we remember where we were on the day they announced the new Star Wars movies or 9/11.
Tonight you'll gather all those couples you fixed up at your home because you have an announcement to make.
"Jeff and Annie, Maurice and Alana, Kevin and Kevin, George and Bharati, Paul and Tatiana, Jenny and Johnny, Heather and Doris, Terance and Susan, Giovanni and Pam, Colleen and Steve, Eunice and Bill, Harry and Paula, and Frank and Maryanne, I've brought you all here tonight because I have an announcement to make."
They'll all stop talking to each other about their respective relationships, trying to top one another on the subject of who takes the more interesting vacations, to hear what you have to say.
"I'm going away," tell them. "To live in a cave in a barren, rocky land where I'll meet no one and share my life with nothing. I'm practically living that way already, and seeing as there appears to be no reason for me to assume I'll ever have love in my life the way you all do..."
That was a mistake. A few of the couples will start talking about something cute that happened over the Christmas holiday, something about buying each other the same gifts. They'll try to shout over each other.
"Quiet!" say. "Since I have no reason to believe I'll ever find someone to love me, I'm going to remove myself from society so that I don't have to enter conversations at parties and experience that faint flicker of warmth when I imagine someone possibly wanting to share time with me, only to have that warmth hastily extinguished when they ask whether I know anyone who is single, leaving me colder than ever, wishing I'd never left the safe comfort of my afghans at home."
You'll wait for them to express some kind of wish that you'd stay, but they'll just kind of stare at you.
"So, I guess this is it," you'll say. "This is the last you'll see of me. I'm leaving in the morning, setting fire to most of my possessions once I get to a vacant lot."
Now they're staring at each other. Mooning.
"So, goodbye," say to them.
Finally, one of them will come forward with his glass raised.
"A toast," he'll say. "To the one person in the world without whom I never would have found the love of my life."
That will make them nearly claw at each other, practically screaming their similar declarations of the one, true and incomparable love that wouldn't have been possible without you. Some fights will break out when they start to doubt each other's love. There'll be some trash talk and someone's blouse will be ripped. In the midst of the melee you'll decide to leave early for your cave, slipping out the front door and leaving a note asking that they not lock the door because the realtor will be showing the place in the morning.
Happy No One Cares If The Matchmaker Ever Falls In Love Day!